Sunday, February 22, 2009

Live-blogging the Oscars

11:55: Best Best picture group hug ever.

11:45: Seriously? I waited 3 hours to watch Mickey Rourke not win? Sean Penn's was the second best performance of the year. But still.

11:34: Mr. Winslet! Score one for the crazy dads.

11:24: I get annoyed every time I'm forced to rewatch Julia Roberts' endless acceptance speech.

3 am? This thing is lasting for-f'ing-ever.

11:05: Yes, yes, Hugh. We get it. You like music.

10:44: Humanitarian or no, you introduce Jerry Lewis, you show a "King of Comedy" clip.

10:37: Finally, the words I've longed to hear: "Coming up, a tribute to Jerry Lewis."

10:16: Zose wacky Frenchmen!!

10:09: I'm deeply appreciative of the fact that they did not schedule a musical montage right after the Best Supporting Actor presentation.

9:57: Zach Efron's top hat fell off! Funny!

9:54: This musical montage better get funny.

9:39: Do they ever NOT send a young hot actress to host the technical nerd awards?

9:39: Jessica Biel forgot to untuck her dinner napkin. And to brush her hair.

9:37: Wait, that Visa/MasterCard dog is still lost?

9:23: The boobs are struggling mightily

9:17: Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs try to offset her Unsexiest Woman in the World honor from a few years back

9:15: Ah, there he is. But not as sing-y.

9:11: Um, where's Hugh Jackman?

8:59: Angelina's death-ray eyes aren't quite doing the job on Jennifer Aniston.

8:58: Gay Mormons are always so pretty. (Hi Margaret!)

8:50: My husband just dropped a head of cabbage on the floor.

8:47: "Thank you Woooooody."

8:45: Back in the Habit!!

8:44: Eva Marie Saint seems to be experiencing a second, Peter Brady-style puberty.

8:42: Tilda, you so crazy!

8:39: Angelina = the new ungrateful Russell Crowe

8:30: The parenthetical "...for some reason" should come after every introduction of "Your host, Hugh Jackman!"

8:28: Uh-oh. We're out of wine already.

Live-blogging the pre-show

7:35: And to think I used to find Peter Gabriel hot.

7:36: Fingers crossed Angelina and Aniston are wearing the same dress and have a Brenda-and-Kelly-like smackdown as a result.

7:41: Switched over to Barbara Walters. Mickey Rourke on winning an Oscar: "You can't eat it, you can't fuck it, it won't get you into heaven." Love.

7:43: Switched back to red carpet just in time to catch Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a skully. Double love.

7:45: Angelina looking extra-boring, extra-haggard and extra-bitchy. Brad looking a mite bitchy as well.

7:49: Swinton bringing the beautiful/crazy.

7:58: I ain't no Seacrest fan, but appearing in movies like "Wanted," "Kung Fu Panda," "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," "Alexander," "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow," "Tomb Raider," "Tomb Raider II," "Beyond Borders," "Original Sin," "Gone in 60 Seconds," "The Bone Collector," "Playing God," "Firefox" and "Hackers" doesn't exactly put you above the fray, Angelina m'dear. Suck it up.

8:13: Robert Downey Jr. = Tuck Everlasting.

8:15: There is a funny French bee in the commercial I'm watching. (Yes, Oscar ennui has already set in.)

8:27: I can't wait to learn about the MAGIC of the MOVIES!!!!!!

I'm back

Why does bad crap always seem to happen to me before the Oscars? So far, 2009 is best summed up by the fact that my dog is now on Prozac.

No matter... I'm back and ready to live-blog this shit. Without further ado....