Friday, June 29, 2007

Reading list

I'm off to the wilds of Maine for the next six days, which means I need a pile of reading material. So this morning I gathered a bunch of books off the bookshelf that I've been wanting to read for a while. Here's a list of what I came up with:

Portnoy's Complaint, Philip Roth
Clemente, David Maraniss
Krakatoa, Simon Winchester
Into the Wild, Jon Krakauer
Bringing Down the House, Ben Mezrich
A Million Little Pieces, James Frey (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah YEAH, I know. But I'm curious, and it was given to me, so I'm not actually supporting him financially, so whatever.)

I gazed at this pile with satisfaction, and then was stopped cold by a thought: Could I BE any more of a boy? Baseball, volcanoes, MIT nerds, male druggie "memoir," perverse male sexual longing? Jesus. And let's not even mention the fact that I'm in the middle of a P.G. Wodehouse book.

So I just sent my husband out to buy I Feel Bad about My Neck by Nora Ephron. Sue me -- it's clear I need some serious help. And it's better than Divine Secrets of the Traveling Ya-Ya Pants or whatever.

Update: I'm back, and managed to crack not one of the above titles. Instead, I read 102 Minutes: The Untold Story of the Fight to Survive Inside the Twin Towers. An outstanding, heartbreaking piece of reporting, and in classic Blog in Throat style, a wholly inappropriate vacation read. Still, highly recommended.
Thursday, June 28, 2007


How many times will we be reading some variation of these words over the coming years?

Joining Kennedy in the majority were Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito. With Breyer in dissent were Justices John Paul Stevens, David Souter and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Actually, if I shaved my head I'd look like Bunsen Honeydew

This morning I made a well-worn mistake: I asked the hubby his opinion on my new dress.

"Not my favorite style," he said. "I wasn't going to say anything," he said. "If you shaved your head, you'd look like a prisoner," he said. Grrr!

His central complaint was that it's shapeless. Okay, so yes, it's a babydoll shift of sorts, and yes, it may not show off my best attribute (butt), and yes, it may give everyone around me a decent sense of what I'd look like pregnant (fat).

But so what? Butts aren't for work, and pregnancy's supposed to be beautiful. I don't actually subscribe to the second half of that sentence, but honestly, this dress has put a more positive spin on pregnancy for me than any pregnant friend has. This thing is COMFORTABLE. It conducts BREEZES up my skirt. I can eat a huge dim sum lunch and not think TWICE about it. I haven't had a single wedgie ALL DAY.

So bring on the baby batter, I say. Shapeless fashion rules.
Friday, June 22, 2007

Older siblings unite!

In light of the recent, awesome finding that eldest siblings are indeed the smartest ones in the family (and cuter to boot!), I have just this to say to my younger sister:

Remember that time when you were putting on your new Ralph Lauren socks, which said "RL" on the side, and I came into the room and asked, "What does 'RL' stand for?" and then, before you could answer, I said, "Oh, duh, right leg," and you just stared at me really hard as you finished putting the sock on your left foot?

Total anomaly.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Quickest way in the world to drive your husband from the room

"You know what, babe? I'm totally like Angelina Jolie with all of our adopted pets. Trout is Maddox, and Spoon is Shiloh, and Watson is obviously Zahara..."

Hubby, several hours later: "Wait, so if you're Angelina, I'm Brad Pitt?"

Me: "That's right!"

[brief pause]

Hubby: "I so wish I could have farted just now."

Afternoon conundrum

Unfortunately, I ate lunch way too early today and am starved.

Very unfortunately, there are four cannolis sitting underneath my desk at this very moment.

Very, very unfortunately, four different flavors of cannoli are represented, which means they'll all be missed.

Very, very, very unfortunately, there are now three and a half cannolis sitting underneath my desk.
Friday, June 15, 2007

Why I'm feeling discombobulated this morning

Last night I dreamt that Dan and I were considering a move to Catalina. We went there to investigate job opportunities, and I ended up at a local medical clinic run by Andrea Zuckerman. The position I applied for was office manager, which appealed to me because in my office was a bed, where I was expected to work all day. The office also had a huge green leopard as a mascot who came and hung out with me on the bed while I was talking to Andrea, who confessed to me that she wished she'd become a lawyer instead of a doctor (guess Jessie cornered that market on that career path, huh, AHHndrea?).

So I was feeling all happy and optimistic on the ferry ride home when Dan and I ran into our downstairs neighbors, who started buying us drinks and got us drunk and then rushed home ahead of us and switched our apartments so that they got the one with the roof deck, and nothing we did or said could convince them to switch back.

Then the dog woke me up.

Then I fell back asleep and dreamt that I was in a fiction class with a famous instructor who looked like Kevin Spacey. I hadn't written anything for class, and so, in a panic, I submitted a plagarized poem written by my best friend Ada in fifth grade. The poem goes like this:

A pride of lions, so superior
All together a mass of strength
All together, never bothered*
Sipping slowly by the pool.

As they sit they have no worries
All is silent, all is still
On the open plain
In which their awesome power rules.

Mr. Spacey made me read it aloud, and after I did there was a silence. Sarah, my onetime grade-school academic nemesis, pulled out an IKEA catalog and pointed out that the poem bore a striking resemblance to the assembly instructions for something she had recently bought. Then Mr. Spacey made an announcement reminding everyone that we were supposed to be writing fiction for adults, not children. Then I left the room and cried. Then I tried to write a story about two major league outfielders playing catch who both struggle with an overwhelming desire to nail the other in the face with a fastball, but it wasn't working, so I cried some more.

Then the shower woke me up.

*this line isn't accurate, but for some freaky reason I remember the rest of her 5th grade poem word for word. This is probably because my own poem for the assignment went something like "A horse stands behind a stone wall/He is very tall/He is having a ball/That is all" and I was blown away by her effort. Also, she drew a very nice picture of lions sitting at a lake, and my horse and wall drawing bit.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007

For those in "Sopranos" withdrawal

I heartily suggest renting the single season of "Freaks and Geeks." I'm still aglow from watching the first three episodes last night, and not even a coerced viewing of "Judging Amy" during a noontime pedicure today could dampen my spirits. (Dear GOD who watched that show? Whoever you are, you kept it on the air for lo too many years, pushing it into syndication and forcing it upon unsuspecting, pedicure-seeking bloggers, and for that alone I rue your existence.)

Two quick F & G points:

1. I think, were I still in the dating pool, I would have problems dating anyone who did not identify with one of the central characters on the show. (This theoretical litmus test would replace my old theoretical litmus test, namely that I would have problems dating anyone who favored the American version of "The Office" over the British one.)

2. The show contains a more than likely fascimile of my hypothetical* future son, and let's just say he doesn't hail from the freak ranks. This worries me just a bit.

*Inserted just before publication so as to ward off the inevitable unwanted inquiries.
Friday, June 08, 2007

We'll always have... eh, you know

I'm sorry, this whole Paris Hilton thing is just too awesome. She's spent her whole life thinking she owns the world, finds out she doesn't own the justice system, goes fake-psycho in jail and temporarily gets away with it, has just enough time at home to nap and eat a few cupcakes, and then gets called on her bullshit, gets the full 45-day sentence reinstated and goes truly psycho as a result. (I bet they don't let her keep her hair extensions this time either.)

And to top it off, today's court sketcher gave her the full-on Sunday funnies treatment.

Seriously, she looks like the mom from "For Better or for Worse." NOT that I ever read that cartoon anymore. The death of Farley was just too much. Plus, Liz just got rejected by Anthony AGAIN and it's looking like those two will NEVER get together and I seriously can't take it anymore!
Monday, June 04, 2007

For those keeping score at home

Two more lobsters consumed this weekend, bringing my summer lobster consumption totals to four lobsters and two lobster rolls. Perhaps I'll aim for double double digits before the first official day of summer.