Thursday, December 28, 2006

Refocused effort coming in 5, 4, 3....

Still not out of my post-Christmas, post-second-Christmas-thanks-to-divorced-parents-throwing-two-separate-
holiday-celebrations haze. I may or may not get my blogging crap together before the weekend, but if not, I would just like to take a moment to extend thanks to the creator of Stovetop Stuffing, whose timeless product gave me and mine many moments of unironic joy this holiday season.

Thanks also to my family for being cool enough to eat the stuff in the first place.
Monday, December 18, 2006

It's official

I've now fallen asleep during all three Lord of the Rings movies. Conked out in front of the DVD of the first one years ago, sawed some wood in a movie theater while watching the second, and passed out this past Friday night in front of a TBS viewing of the third. I did wake up once, to ask my enthralled hubby a question that had been bugging me: "Is it the hobbits who live to be 500 years old, or is that the Smurfs?" Then I went back to sleep again.

Nerd cachet, it was nice knowing you....
Friday, December 15, 2006

Friday snausages

-Sometimes I just make stuff up to be insecure about. Today I decided that my head is much too large for my body. This despite the fact that whenever I wear a hat, I most resemble Fievel.

-I overheard an engineer talking about how he took a date to the Body Worlds exhibit at the Museum of Science and that the date didn't go well. He then explained that there was this new girl he really liked and he thought he might also take her to the Body Worlds exhibit. New definition of nerd: an individual who repeatedly fails to grasp that wandering many rooms filled with flayed and pickled human bodies does not a romantic evening make.

-The crazy cat lady in my office now has a mug that says "Crazy Cat Lady."

-This is why I will be leaving this office very shortly.
Thursday, December 14, 2006

Tis the season to be bawling

It's funny. You'd think that attending a friends 'n' family holiday party at which you mistakenly mix champagne with a potent schnapps-vodka-juice blend thinking it's just juice, downing three of those babies without thinking anything of it, then finding yourself so blindingly drunk at the end of the evening that you repeatedly throw up on the ride home while your father, yes YOUR FATHER, cheerily says, "Hey, if you can't puke your guts out in front of your dad, who can you puke your guts out around?" -- you'd think that that would be the most embarrassing part of your week, right?

Too bad I left an interview yesterday convinced I'd nailed it only to realize my fly had been gaping open the whole time.
Monday, December 11, 2006

I really need to start working for a Fortune 500 company

Holiday "bonuses" I've received over the last ten years:

1997: $50
1998: $200
1999: $300
2000: Nothing
2001: Two pieces of chocolate
2002: A bottle of wine
2003: The same bottle of wine
2004: A pen
2005: A stuffed horse
2006: A flashlight with a radio on it
Friday, December 08, 2006

Sustaining on cats and dogs

About 12 years ago, I helped move my friend K. and her cat from Santa Barbara to San Francisco. The car was crammed to the roof with her crap, and getting the cat carrier into the car was going to be a struggle. I lamented aloud that the poor kitty, tucked safely into his little caged home, would be stuck staring at dismantled furniture for six hours. My friend K. stared back at me plaintively and said nothing.

"Wait, you don't mean you want the cat wandering free in the car for six hours, do you?"

"Well, I want him to be able to look out the window while we drive because he loves that so much..."

After spending several driving hours dodging the dumb feline as it climbed onto my head, into my lap and underneath the brake pedal, I proposed to my friend that we play a game: Under What Circumstances Would You Eat Your Cat? It took some doing, but eventually I got her to play.

"Would you eat your cat if the world ended and you were the only two mammals left and you were starving and the survival of the planet depended on you staying alive long enough to recreate with a cactus or something?"

"No. I would never ever eat my cat."

"Would you eat your cat if you and he were stuck on a remote island and you made radio contact with a boat that said it would be there in three weeks, but you only had enough food to keep you alive for two more weeks?"

"No. I'd spend those three weeks looking for food on the island."

"Would you eat your cat if you, he, and your deceased sister's infant child were stuck on a remote island, and the baby cried night and day for food and the noise was slowly driving you insane, and the cat was dying of cancer anyway, albeit the kind of cancer that you can eat around, and eventually you saw a boat in the distance but in order to light a signal fire you needed some sort of fuel like, oh, say, animal fat?"

"Okay, fine, I'd eat my cat. You suck." The ride was a lot more enjoyable after that, at least until the cat got lost inside the car and my tearful friend spent an hour at a rest stop unpacking her car looking for him.

This is all a very convoluted way of saying that after being awoken at 5:45 a.m. this morning to take an hour-long walk in darkness, 4-below wind chill and a snow squall or two, I've begun to reconsider my previously firm stance that under no circumstances would I eat my dog.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006

What a gas

Which is more incriminating: the fact that I sent this article to my husband first thing this morning, or the fact that my mother sent this article to me first thing this morning?

For the record, I've never been anywhere near Nashville.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Also, I forgot to put on pants

I woke up in the morning and remembered that I had a flight to catch to Australia. In a half-hour, to be exact. In a complete tizzy, I threw a bunch of seasonless clothing items into a bag and begged my bizarre-looking older Italian cousins for a ride to the airport. I got there with about three minutes to spare, but then -- thank the heavens! -- found out that the flight wasn't due to take off for two more hours. So eventually I boarded without any problem and was settling in for a long, peaceful flight when I saw my calculus teacher, Mr. Graham, coming toward me. He gravely informed me that I had received a 51 on the final exam and would fail the class entirely unless I took the exam again -- on the plane. I pointed out to him that I hadn't thought about calculus in 15 years, but he was unswayed. So I spent the next eight hours of the flight asking everyone around me what they remembered about calculus, taking notes, and then studying those half-assed notes. Then I took the exam again and gave it back to Mr. Graham for grading, fairly convinced I had failed again. I was still waiting to hear if I had passed when the dog came into the room and began nudging me with his nose.

My dreams could not suck harder these days.
Sunday, December 03, 2006

The crickets go wild!

Finally, a new blog design! Who'd a'thunk it? Many thanks to Dan for his moral support during the redesign process, and also for completely redesigning my blog while I drank red wine and watched a Discovery Channel special on tiger shark attacks in the other room. Such tandem efforts are the cornerstone of a healthy marriage.