Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day, which means that the hubby will likely greet me at the door tonight with a hug and a “How ARRRRR you?”
Few people may be aware that there's an entire Pirate Week down in Key West, Fla. The nation's pirate fetishists come out of the woodwork and spend the week dressed in their most swashbuckling garb, getting drunk.
Coincidentally, my sister and I were down there for the week last year. It had been a pretty paltry pirate turnout, however, and we barely saw any pirates until the last day of the festivities. That day, we were playing pool in our favorite local bar when in walked a bonafide, decked-to-the-nines pirate couple, replete with gold hoop earrings, a braided beard (him) and a heaving bosom (her, I think and hope).
To be honest, the pirate couple depressed me, in the same way that the middle-aged swinging couples on "Real Sex" depress me. They were just so … homespun. Ugly too. And it may be me, but I don’t like my pirates with sock tan lines.
But oh, did these pirates like my sister. Almost from the moment they walked in, they were transfixed. Buying beers and popcorn, they settled in about 10 feet away from us and unabashedly stared at her, occasionally speaking to one another in hushed tones.
It actually made perfect sense. My sister, after all, is a lifelong plunderer. She was stealing change out of our local Aku-Aku lobby fountain before she could read; she spent years obsessing over her penny jar, the contents of which she would recount every Saturday afternoon; and she went through a prolonged metal detector preoccupation. Clearly this couple had spotted a kindred soul and meant to bring her into their mercenary fold.
They never made their move though. My sister was terrified, I was fitfully overcome with laughter, and despite their garb, the duo seemed shy. The circumstances just weren’t lining up, and eventually they left.
So, we'll never know. We'll never know if my sister let Fate pass her by, or if she merely dodged the advances of a couple of crazy-ass deviants.
Very ARRRRRgravating indeed.