Chapter 1: Research Question
With this research project, I aimed to answer a central question: In the name of all that is soul-suckingly sacred, how has Jessica Simpson become one of today's iconic -- I'm sorry, "iconish"
From that central question arose several attendant queries, such as “When will she go away already?” “Did she really sleep with Knoxville AND Bam?” “Nick’s so handy around the house! How’d he get that way?” and “Is my husband totally lying when he says he doesn’t find her to be that hot?”Chapter 2: Literature Review
As has been my habit over the last eight years, I took significant time out of my workdays to read and review a great many entertainment websites. Source materials included E! Online
and the A List
(mostly useless, but still completely awesome). Using skills refined during the Bennifer years, I then cross-referenced as many sources as possible so as to come up with the most preposterous set of rumors, conjecture and hearsay possible concerning my subject matter. Chapter 3: Methodology
Given the inanity of my research topic, I felt that a hugely subjective qualitative method of research was best. Interview subjects were chosen largely on the basis of their proximity and/or email prolificacy; interview questions were written on the fly and were usually of a leading nature. Sample questions follow below:
"Okay, what is it exactly, besides the obvious?"
"But you're a smart guy! I don't get it."
"I burp and fart and do really stupid things around the house too. Why does that not augment my appeal?"
"Speaking of augment, don't you think they're totally fake?"
"In that 'Boots Are Made for Walking' video, doesn't her spray-on tan totally make it look like she fell in a mud puddle?"
"Babe, c'mon, you don't really
think she's hot, right?"Chapter 4: Findings
A clear pattern of response emerged along gender lines. Brilliant female respondents astutely noted Jessica's complete lack of singing, acting and dressing abilities and concluded that her popularity was purely the result of a bored tabloid corps; they predicted its demise once her dadchild-manager Joe "Check out my awesome new earring!" Simpson channeled his inner Michael Lohan and suffered the inevitable coke-induced breakdown.
Stupid fat male respondents, meantime, clearly didn't understand the questions posed to them. Their responses were thrown out. Chapter 5: Conclusion
Jessica Simpson is a no-talent squirt of fermented Cheez Whiz. Boycott all future enterprises.
Oh, and my husband SO TOTALLY doesn't think she's hot. I can just tell.